SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read this Pretty Little Liars recap or the comments until you’ve watched Pretty Little Liars Season 3, Episode 2, “Blood Is The New Black”.
ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars series has returned full throttle with an intense third season, and episode two was no joke! In a nutshell, A sent Emily the creepiest, most craptastic gift ever, Aria peer pressured Ezra to tutor Em, Hanna got all up in Mona’s grill during an impromptu visit, Toby worked his magic on Spencer’s back, and homewrecker Meredith returned looking as smug as ever. Yikes! Well, believe it or not, there’s more where that came from. Get ready, lovelies, because we’re recapping “Blood Is The New Black”! Judging by Mona’s finger pricking, it a new trend oozing with potential.
5 OMG Moments and The Big Ta-da from Pretty Little Liars Season 3, Episode 2:
Teacher’s Pet: The Liars aren’t the only ones bending the rules and hiding oh-no-she-didn’t secrets. Ella Montgomery joined the club upon allowing Emily to take a makeup test for Hedda Gabler and then ends up completing the unfinished exam for her. Granted, with all the A drama and Maya’s death, Emily has really been struggling and we’re glad that Ella understands. (Also, Henrik Ibsen’s play is the dullest literary work we’ve ever had the misfortune of reading so we can’t blame Emily for wanting to bounce early — even though the real reason was that she had a flashback to Jenna abducting her and then driving her around town…) However, that little risque grade inflation is bound to throw the curve off and Type-A scholars like Spencer Hastings are going to be pretty miffed to find out their new English teacher tried to cheat the system. (Someone was spying on Ella at the time so we’re just assuming her secret will be blasted all throughout the hallways soon enough.) And also Ezra didn’t seem very comfortable with the idea that Ella was being so flexible with Emily — either Mister Smarty Pants was secretly jealous because he wanted to be Em’s knight in shining armor or he’s a very ethical fellow who does the right thing (minus the whole dating his student ordeal). This all spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E for all parties involved! Sigh times a million.
Ghetto Chick Time: If we didn’t know any better, we’d half expect Hanna Marin to drag a pocket knife or use her manicured nails as a weapons to scratch up Mona’s blank expression. (Or Jenna’s: “What are we doing? Do I get to slap her again?”) Homegirl had S-C-A-R-Y written all over her and she totally meant business on PLL episode 3.02. Upon visiting Mona at the Radley Sanitarium, she went from being reserved and polite to screeching in Mona’s face and throwing chairs like some sort of fabulous version of Bruce Banner. “You know what, Mona? If I told the police that you mowed me down with your car, you would not be here getting a slice of peach pie every day to wash down your meds. You’d be sharing a jail cell with someone calling you “peach pie” while you braid her back hair!” Ha. Preeeeeaaach! Unfortunately though, Wren butts in on the potential girl fight, and he talks some sense into Hanna (something about his dad being nutso as well). Later, Hanna returns with loverboy aka Caleb (who offers to drive her upon learning the truth about her afternoon whereabouts even though he could give a rat’s ass whether Mona spends the rest of her life “making ashtrays or pooping in a stall without a door” ) and gives Mona a makeover. Because that’s just what every girl in the nuthouse needs — a full red lip and a smokey eye to pass the time. (Being crazy does not give you an excuse to not keep up with the trends in Hannakins’ book!) Funnily enough, Mona’s inner hoarder tiptoes out at the same time Hanna decides to play nice, and begins collecting small items that Hanna has discarded in the wastebasket — including a pair of tweezers with which Mona digs holes into her fingers. (Oh wow. What fun…)
Juvenile Delinquents: Um, WTF was going on in that flashback scene? Between Aria’s pink streaks and Alison DiLaurentis muttering something about “a vindictive, homewrecking bunny boiler,” we felt dazed and confused…and, yes, highly intrigued! Apparently, a long time ago when Aria discovered that her sweet ol’ pappy was a two-timing hoebag, she broke into his office with Alison and trashed the place. And we mean TRASHED — there was no corner left untouched. The two of them went to town smashing shit, spilling coffee on his papers, scribbling profanities on his wall, and breaking everything in sight. Plus, Alison happened to find a lone earring in his couch — the same earring that Aria buried with Alison in Season 1 and the same earring that appeared in Aria’s locker in Season 3. Coincidence? Hardy har har. NOT! Someone obviously knew what Aria was up to that night so little Miss Montgomery did what any good girl would and came clean to her dad. Byron was pretty irate since he had blamed the whole incident on Meredith at the time, and he ordered that Aria apologize to his former flame. Well, Aria did just that…only to discover that the earring did not belong to Mer, and that she and Byron were dating again. Basically, between guilt and finding out her dad was Rosewood’s biggest player, Aria was having a not-so-pleasant week.
Super Sleuth Hastings: Spencer obviously watched Veronica Mars when the show was on. In fact, she probably owns all three seasons and figured out who murdered Lilly Kane before the Season 1 finale ever aired. Why? Because she’s really taking this detective gig to heart. Whenever a mystery arises, Spencer keeps an eye out for the thread to unravel the whole damn truth. First, she hits up the local jailhouse again to have a little “chat” with her murderous buddy Garrett Reynolds who tells her that what was stolen from Alison’s grave would prove his innocence. He yelps with desperation, “Spencer, someone you know well has you completely fooled. People lie, but medical records don’t.” Spencer is like, “Yo Garrulous Garrett, just bleepin’ get to the point, you stupid slut!” but he’s unfortunately escorted back into his (probably grimy, disgusting) jail cell. Then, after being on the receiving end of her boo Toby’s handiwork and enjoying some sexy couch downtime, Spencer resumes her investigating even though her Detective Benson look-alike mom Veronica firmly instructs her to put an end to all her “secret trips to the county jail” to see a “dangerous man.” But does Lady S listen? No way, sugarcube! Homegirl’s a rebel at heart so she does exactly what her mom tells her not to and visits with Garrett again — where she finds out from a guard (which is hilarious because guards normally don’t divulge such juicy info to anyone, let alone a minor) that he’s been meeting with a lawyer…her mom!!!! Crappity crap, WTF, OMG!
Teeth, Toilets, and Tests: Honestly, every time an episode of Pretty Little Liars airs, we find ourselves muttering, “Poor Emily” at least three times. Rosewood’s champion swimmer may be a winner in the pool but when it comes to school, love, and friendship the girl’s one misfortune short of a complete mental breakdown. Not only did crazy “A” slip a token of his/her appreciation into Emily’s bag (in the form of human teeth which freakin’ Spencer accidentally flushed down the toilet) — to the point where Em found it, screamed bloody murder on the inside, and dashed out of class without an explanation — but he/she is still looking for ways to snip off the weakest link. (News flash “A”: Emily is a strong, independent lady. Get your kicks elsewhere!) OMG! And that’s not all. Poor Emily is pretty much peer pressured into receiving tutoring lessons from Mr. Fitz even though she’s seen his underwear drawer and that’s, like, totally awkward. (For Aria, “tutoring” is code for date night so she can’t seem to understand why Emily would ever be uncomfortable being taught “lessons” by a handsome gentleman.) Anyhoo, after a couple of one-on-one time with hot-ass Ezra, Emily was coming to terms with her intellect and scholastic prowess. In fact, she meant business when she sat down to take her English makeup exam. Unfortunately, when girl sitting in front of her begins clipping up her hair (seriously this girl should be a hairdresser — she can style hair perfectly without even a mirror in sight), Emily’s memory is triggered and soars back to the night she ended up drunk at Alison’s empty grave with a shovel in her hand. And OMG you wouldn’t believe what she remembers — that Jenna was driving her around! Clearly, Emily is fah-reaking out — so she does what any sane person without time to worry about grades would do and hands in her incomplete test. She then fills in her BFFs about her trip down memory lane…but those biotches don’t believe her. (Aria even reminds her, “When we picked you up, you kept calling me ‘Arlene.'” Emily’s response to this tidbit? A fiery glare.)
The Big Ta-Da: In three mere words? Bitch can see. Yep, that’s right. The Liars finally know what we’ve all suspected for a while now — that Jenna Marshall is a great pretender slash incredible actress who has hoodwinked a whole community into believing that she’s as blind as a 200-year-old blindfolded granny. Her little walking stick? Her designer dark shades? Her magical hearing that can somehow distinguish ringtones? All lies apparently because the eye surgery she endured on Pretty Little Liars Season 2 worked like a bleepin’ charm. At least that’s what Aria, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer realize when they lay out bait in the form of Alison’s earring in the girl’s bathroom, hid in a stall, and witnessed Jenna picking it up to examine it. Ahh! BITCH HAS MICROSCOPIC VISION YO!
What was your favorite OMG moment from “Blood Is The New Black”? Tell us in the comments, and tune in for all new episodes of Pretty Little Liars Season 3 every Tuesday at 8/7 c on ABC Family!